Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Shannon's Story

I was homesick and depressed pretty much my whole (freshman) year as a PC, most especially after Thanksgiving, but I tried to hide it because I was supposed to be joyful and didn't want to go against God's will. There were times I was locking doors at night, and I would think, how hard can it be to run to the airport from here? But I didn't have a way to get there, to get on a plane, to go home. I felt so trapped. 
I also remember times that I was woken up at night to lock the doors again, even though I already had.  A Consecrated had to wake me up, and I know she felt bad, but was told to by someone else. So, I had to walk in the dark through the school when everyone was asleep to re-lock a door (that any of the consecrated could have simply taken care of themselves if they had noticed it!) And I had locked it. That felt very wrong, even in the cloud of "God's will."
Even on the phone with my family, I pretended everything was ok, because I didn't want to complain, be unjoyful, or go against God's will. I know the consecrated must have noticed it eventually, especially in the spring, because all of a sudden they started giving me responsibilities that I would never have been chosen for before, since I was more the quiet type. I was put in charge of a housecleaning group, and told I would be able to go on a camp in another state (which was cancelled). But I had my suspicions even then that the consecrated were trying to make me want to stay. But then my sister came, and I just wanted to spend time with her, so I wouldn't follow the "schedule" completely. I couldn't understand why I wouldn't be able to spend time with my own sister (who I missed so much!) who was in my own house for a month! So, then I brought up that I wasn't sure if I should stay (I couldn't take it anymore), and they asked me if I thought maybe it wasn't God's will for me to be there in the first place. I said yes, because I hoped that meant I could leave (I was afraid if I said no that I would have to stay). It was definitely the hardest year of my life, but God did bring some good lessons and definitely good friendships out of it.

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