Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Lea's Story

I've been a bit afraid to write a little of my experience at the PC (actually I feel nervous as I'm typing). I started out bright eyed and bushy tailed as anyone else and CHUGGED the Kool-Aid. I felt pressure from day one of my summer program to stay at the PC because I'm beginning to think now that I fit their little mold. I was crying on the phone to my parents when I made the decision to stay. As a 9th grader, they put me in charge of quite a few things and I felt excited about that, but I never felt like myself. I liked being a leader a little, but not as much as they pressured me into. I HATED it! I didn't want to tell my classmates how to clean the darn classrooms! I didn't want to lead encounters, I didn't want to sing in front of everyone...yet I was pushed and pushed and I never revealed my true feelings to anyone because I was too scared that I wasn't following God's will and (shock! I was freaking 14!)...I also received a letter from MM when I was ONLY 15...telling me how he knew I would make a great consecrated (something to that extent). To be perfectly honest, that was like reading a death sentence. Sorry to be so dramatic, but at 15 that's honestly how I felt. After that letter my life went downhill. Every time we went on an outing I envied other people I would see because they didn't know RC and weren't in the predicament I was in. I also became ill. Started loosing weight drastically (which I was complimented on because I had begun to look too chubby). Finally I had to go to the doctor's several times to have blood tests done because I was jaundiced and no one knew why. (YES, stress can mess you up). How was I treated at that point? I was put in the sick room where the only human being I was able to see in a day was the poor soul who would bring me food. I remember lying in that room forced to listen to a tape of MM talking out loud about spiritual things. It was in that moment I went crazy. He spoke about following God's will. He said that if your do God's will you will have peace and inner joy. I wasn't even close to peace and inner joy. In fact I was in a hole so black life itself didn't seem to matter any could he say these things? How am I trapped in this room, depressed, anguished, exhausted, stressed and so confused?? During my entire time at the PC all I ever wanted was to do God's will. I sincerely did. I loved God so much but I was so confused. "God I'm trying to do your will but why do I feel like ending my life?" At that moment I marched downstairs and called my family. I was out 2 days later. No, I wasn't able to tell anyone goodby. I did visit the next year, but that visit seems like a blur.

No comments:

Post a Comment